Matthew 5:9

I think I know will look to God to see what is right. I know the right thing to do. I can feel it. It’s in me and I know what it is, mainly to do good, to serve others, to help. I need to do it more and not be afraid. Fear is something to be fought. But I have to look to the inspiration to know what is right and wrong, so when I read about a collective movement deciding for others what is right and wrong, well, it just seems wrong: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evangelicalism

You have no business as to the right and wrong choices others make in their lives. Your job is only to serve them and help them serve others. This isn’t about God alone but doing God’s will on earth. We are His stewards. This isn’t about us and it is all about us. We are to be part of his inspiration and inspire others.

When you are disturbed, do not sin;
ponder it on your beds, and be silent.

Psalm 4:4-8

I am tired.  Work has made me more tired than usual. I am frustrated  with it, I don’t know why, honestly. I think because I’m tired. Perhaps because I feel as though I’m not winning, somehow.  Perhaps I need to step back and just do whatever I do and not care anymore, just get it off my plate and just get it all done.

I am so often confused and unsure. I will  look for guidance from God during this time.

When I lived in New York one summer, I had walked down to the Kmart that was near NYU. After I was done purchasing a tiny little suitcase (I was going to DC), I tried to walk outside, but it was pouring rain. I managed to grab a cab. During the ride back to my dormitory, the cabby asked me what I did for a living, if I was a student, etc. I told him I worked in public relations. He asked me my birthday and I told him. He told me that according to numerology, I was a 9 and I should live my life and be an example, that I should never do drugs or anything illegal (I never would, of course).

I live in Washington now, but I thought about that cab ride as I rode the bus home to my apartment. I kept looking at the sky, the tree branches, the sidewalks, the dogs on their walk with their owners. I thought, “Now now now now now.”

I’m thinking of Joseph Campbell now and how the guru he visited in Trivendrum told him that he should always say yes to life. I thought about Baudrillard and how he seemed a really unhappy person, but he gave us this idea or concept of “hyper-reality.” I thought about the exceptional gift my parents gave me without knowing it, the gift of separation while we were rounding Mass Ave. on the bus. I think about Lao-Tzu for the third time today and about Jesus. I think about the Arabic term “Inshallah” and I think about the cross. I think about not thinking. I think about what is meant by God’s will. I think about what is meant by God.

I feel at peace with all of these things.

You want to be set free today
Then lay it all down before the king*

I believe in telling the truth, especially in the environment where there still exists integrity. I have to remember myself at work, where I am asked by my manager to sometimes do things that I know can be wrong. I know it’s my choice to do right and doing right is what I will do, because I can’t let the things that aren’t true to win.

Do I tell my manager that I am not willing to lie for him? Yes. It is important to be very honest. Do I tell him that my loyalty is to the Greater Beyond? Yes. It is important to be honest and let him know that I will not be misused for earthly purposes. I don’t think that is God’s Will for me to be dishonest, I just don’t know how to explain it in a way that he will understand.

I really, really believe in God.

*Jeremy Camp, lyrics, “My Desire”